Fuck Storms

(The following definitions were written as part of the reference material for the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on April 3, 2009 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

Sticky Rain

The most literal explanation for Sticky Rain is that it is the precipitate of evaporated candy.  This phenomena was first observed in the early 1980s.  As modern candy (e.g. the Whatchamacallit) evaporates it becomes part of the rain cycle, eventually falling from the sky as sweet, sticky liquid precipitate.  At the turn of the 20th century it was considered to be a child’s blessing to be caught in a Sticky Rain storm (at the time it was merely fiction).  Grandfathers would sit their grandchildren in a semicircle and would regale them with promises of Sticky Rain pouring upon them.  Many of these children would have their wish perversely granted as they would be caught in the fire bombing of Dresden during World War II (sticky rain is slang for napalm).

Apple Snow

Apple Snow is when it snows apples.  The apples are generally covered in snow because it is winter time.  The apples are always Granny Smith apples.  When the Apple Snow hits the ground the apple turns to regular snow.  Scientist have no reasoning behind the occurrence of Apple Snow or why the apple disappears when the apple hits the ground.  The founding fathers wrote a lengthy segment in the first draft of the Declaration of Independence comparing the unjust treatment of the colonies to the effect Apple Snow had on the first Thanksgiving (The effect was very bad.  It made turkeys nearly impossible to catch and literally impossible to kill.  The phrase, “Be us damned by Apple Snow, these turkeys garner feathers metallic” was coined in reference to the event.  The segment was removed from the Declaration by Thomas Jefferson only so he could include it in the Jefferson Bible (The pages were removed from the original copy of the bible and are on display at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in Gatlinburg, Tennessee).

Indifferent Rain

Indifferent Rain is a misnomer because, in fact, it is the only rain that cares at all.  Indifferent rain generally begins as a soft drizzle, but it increases steadily becoming almost torrential over the course of a storm.  The reason for this occurrence is that the rain, itself, is crying, causing more rain.  Often occurring during the the 9th innings of tied Little League Championship game or walks home from the divorce lawyer’s office, Indifferent Rain feels the pain of those being rained on, often soaking the recipients of its sympathy to “the bone.”  It is called Indifferent Rain because it has a cold demeanor and is always afraid to show its true feelings.  When asked why it is crying, Indifferent Rain will usually respond, “I have something in my eye” or “I was thinking of this dog I used to own that I had run over by a car.”  There has been a movement in the meteorological community, recently, to re-categorize the phenomenon as “Sensitive Rain.”