Time Capsule Letter

(The following piece was presented as part of QUICKIES! on November 10, 2009 at The Innertown Pub in Chicago.)

A brief introduction to the Time Capsule Letter:

Ten years isn’t that long when you think about it.  We can probably all remember 1999 pretty clearly and we all, more or less, have a pretty accurate picture of what we were like then.  In 1999 I was a Junior in high school.  My social studies teacher, Mrs. Anderson, assigned each student in the class to write a time capsule letter.  The letter was to be addressed to ourselves and serve as a written photograph of that time in our lives.  Enough time has passed that I don’t remember what this letter says exactly but I’m sure it will reflect the me I remember; a kind, thoughtful and ultimately uncontroversial student.

—

Tim Racine
J. Anderson
Period 3
Social Studies
Time Capsule Letter
12/1/99

Dear Tim,

If you’re reading this then you’re a pussy.  

The real me is fucking dead in ten years from being hard fucking core!  And if you’re some other douche reading this, then fuck you Mrs. Anderson, I told you I didn’t put a blank piece of paper in the envelope.  Also, eat shit!

I’m only writing this because Mrs. Anderson is a total bitch and says that she’ll flunk me if I don’t write it.  But guess what?  I don’t give a shit.  School sucks and I’m major hardcore.  Fuck everything in the throat. 

Since this is the future you probably know me as Tim Racine the Master of Kicking Ass and Being Totally Badass. 

Right now I’m 17 years old and I rule but I still kick major ass.

There are three things I kick the most ass at: 

1) Doing drugs.
2) Eating chicks out.
3) Ska.

The way I do drugs makes you look like you’re stupid because I’m so good at doing them.  Cocaine, I’m the greatest at it. Heroin, don’t even try to come at me when I’m doing the heroin because you will get STOMPED, homey.  Marijuana, mescaline and PCP are all easy and acid is also easy and I never OD even though I take so much of all of the drugs all of thetime.

Another thing I’m totally the bomb at doing is eating chicks out.  I’m super popular at school because everyone knows how awesome I am at eating all of the chicks out all of the time.  I don’t have (or WANT!) a girlfriend because I don’t need one with all the action I get all time.  All the dumb jocks are jealous and hate me because I totally DESTROY their girlfriends with my eating out ability.  Also, if there’s a chick reading this I have a math problem for you: My mouth plus your privates equals eating you out.

Probably the best thing I’m great at is ska.  All the ska guys say I’m the best at ska dancing there is.  I’m even in so many ska groups you will be so jealous of me.  I’m in:

Skapocalypse Now

Skamerican Pie

Hugo Skavez

The Alan Skarsons Project

The Skalan Skarsons Project

Moskammad Skali

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Ska

Skamerican Airlines

The People’s Skapublic of Skachina

Skalt Lake City, Utah

Skatendo Power Magazine

Coup de Ska

The Unaskamber

Skally Golightly

Monica Lewinska

Monica Skalinsky

Skanica Lewinsky

Skabortion Clinic

Skaddam Hussein

and

America Skanline.

In conclusion, I am totally awesome and hardcore because I do drugs, eat chicks out and do ska.  So fuck you posers.

Tim Racine