The Large Hairless Cock In the Garden of Eden
(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on December 11, 2009 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)
From: M. Racine <************@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 2:39 PM
Subject: Re: Garden of Eden Painting
To: Tim Racine <**********@gmail.com>
Dear Tim,
That’s a very cute picture you sent me. I like what the artist did with all the colors he painted. It was very nice of you to ask for my opinion. About what you said about topics “being explored” in this painting, I don’t know exactly. As you know I’m not a professional writer or humorist but since I know you like comedy I think I have a few jokes that you might want to use when you tell your friends about the painting.
These jokes are good for any time but you might want to start with one and pepper other ones around when you are talking.
You said that it’s supposed to be the Garden of Eden so maybe you could use an Adam and Eve joke. I told some of these to your father and he didn’t seem to be bothered. Here are some that I remember:
Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.
Q: Why was Adam created first?
A: To give him a chance to say something.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn’t want any advice.
Q: What did God originally decide to name Eve?
A: The Nagging Machine.
Q: Why didn’t God give Adam hammers for hands?
A: He didn’t want Adam to kill Eve immediately.
The other thing I was thinking of when you said that this is in the Garden of Eden was that the History Channel says that the Garden of Eden would be where Iraq is now. My friend Bess sent me a funny forward about the top ten TV shows in Iraq, you could use that. Keep in mind that they’re jokes and not real shows like I thought. Here are those jokes:
Top Ten TV Shows in Iraq
1. Husseinfeld (SEINFELD)
2. Allah McBeal (ALLY MCBEAL)
3. Suddenly Saddam (SUDDENLY SUSAN)
4. Achmed’s Creek (DAWSON’S CREEK)
5. My Mother The Camel (MY MOTHER THE CAR)
6. Mad About Camels (MAD ABOUT YOU)
7. Camels (CHEERS)
8. Friends That Ride Camels (FRIENDS)
9. Camel In The City (Caroline In The City)
10. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in Camel Ownership Form (WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE)
I don’t want to sound gross but if you’re going to try to make what you say funny it would be really easy to talk about how the man’s penis is a big penis. Maybe you should do a joke were you pretend that you are the man in the painting and you are talking to all of the animals about how your penis is very large. You could say:
“Hello, Animals. My penis is really big, in fact it is so large that: BLANK.” (Of course you don’t say “blank,” you say the joke part of the joke. Here are a few (I also wrote you some notes about more stuff you can say with the jokes. Anyway, that’s just a suggestion.) Here are a few:
“My penis is really big, in fact it is so large that:”
“A Godzilla movie was made called ‘Godzilla vs. My Penis (The Movie)’.”
“Firemen slide down it.” (This isn’t about gays (though it could be) if you want to make a joke about gay firemen please make it about how gay sex is disgusting (everyone will laugh but also agree) (also the painting has a white tiger in it so you could make a reference to Siegfried and Roy.))
“If I sawed it in half you would be able to see how old I am by counting the rings.” (This is a reference to the penis being like it was a tree, but as another option there is also something called a cock-ring and you could make reference to that.)
“A King Kong movie was made called ‘King Kong vs. My Penis (The Movie)’.” (You could say that the monkey in the painting is King Kong and that the bird is one of those planes that King Kong is always trying to hit with his hands.)
“I went to a really fancy night club (maybe a strip club because we’re already talking about genitalia) and they let my penis in thinking it was a person but they didn’t let me in.” (You could say that the penis was wearing an expensive leather jacket or wearing really cool driving gloves and you were wearing flip-flops or something un-cool, nerd glasses maybe.)
“I get worried that terrorists will fly a plane into it.” (Just so you know the audience might not like hearing that because they may have parents that died in 9/11. You should ask around beforehand to see if anyone knows any victims. If there aren’t any you should make the joke because it’s really funny. Also you could tie this line in with the Iraq stuff I told you about before.)
“It is my lawyer in my appeals case against that rape charge, and he was the rapist!” (Although it is absurd, it makes sense because sexuality is part of a penis’ nature.)
Well that’s all of my two cents, I guess. I really hope I was able to help.
Tell me how it goes when you get a chance, Christmas maybe…
Oh well.
Love,
Mom
