The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on March 4, 2011 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <timoracine@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, June 6, 2007 at 11:29 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <timoracine@gmail.com>
 
 
————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <austinpowershornybaby3000@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, Sept 11, 2004 at 1:33 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <timoracine@yahoo.com>
 

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <jaggedlittleboy12@aol.com>
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 1998 at 11:03 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <austinpowershornybaby3000@hotmail.com>


From: K. Racine <*******@aol.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 2, 1995 at 4:51 PM
Subject:
To: Tim Racine <jaggedlittleboy12@aol.com>


Tim,

I’m sure you’ve noticed (your mother and I have) that your body is changing and you’re becoming a man.  When you’re taking your baths you probably noticed extra hair and stuff.  It’s part of life.  It happened to me.  It happens to everyone.  But people don’t talk about this sick stuff.  But because I’m your dad I have to.  Don’t think this is something I ever did or even thought about doing.  It’s sick, it’s dangerous and it’s gross.

Here we go.

Sex.  If I was my dad this letter would be over right now, but it is the ‘90s so “let’s talk about sex baby.”  If you didn’t know, that was a lyric to a song I heard while I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix.

Speaking of song lyrics, I’ll use that as a thing to get into this sick “sex” talk.  You probably talk about it with your friends and probably in some sicko class or other at school, but you’re mother has really riding me about having “the talk” with you.  Believe me, I don’t want to, I’d just a soon puke my face off as talk about it, which is why I’m writing this letter.  Anyway, I thought the easiest way to do this is by using a song you like.  I thought our best bet would be “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morisette from her Jagged Little Pill record.

Now, some of the lyrics in this song make me sick, but since you’re growing up I think the song has some stuff in it that “you oughta know” about.

Let’s get though this as fast as possible.  At the beginning of the song Alanis says, “Would she go down on you in a theater?”  To someone your age, this probably sounds confusing, but it’s slang.  The slang part is “go down”.  This isn’t something that has ever happened to me, thank god, but I did hear two mechanics discussing it when I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix.  What I know is this, “going down” is when a woman is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis.  In the case of the song, the drinking was taking place in a theatre.

Remember how when we went to see the The Net starring Sandra Bullock, Jeremy Northam, and Dennis Miller this summer there were those two teenagers, a boy and a girl, sitting a few rows in front of us and they were kissing?  Well, if that girl had been Alanis, the boy could have paid her to “go down” on him “in the theatre”.  Lucky for all of us, that wasn’t the case.

Since we’re on the subject of The Net, there’s some stuff you can learn from that thing.  Remember at the beginning of the movie when the United States Undersecretary of Defense Michael Bergstrom, played by Ken Howard, committed suicide because he had HIV?  He did the right thing.  Sex gives you HIV and then you kill yourself.

The reason this all sounds so scary is because it is.  Remember when Angela Bennett, played by Sandra Bullock, went down to Cozumel. Mexico and meets Jack Devlin, played by Jeremy Northam?  Well, after meeting, Devlin earns the trust of Bennett which allows him to seduce her in his speedboat but really he just wants to steal her purse (the purse that contains the floppy disk with a backdoor to a commonly used computer security system called “Gatekeeper” sold by Gregg Microsystems).  When she figures this out she tries to get away and her boat crashes into the rocks and leaves her knocked out in the hospital for three days.  SEX ISN’T WORTH IT.  (Hint, hint!)

Anyway, back to “You Oughta Know”.  Later in the song, after a few choruses, Alanis says, “And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?”  The sex part of this thing is the “fuck” part.  “Fuck” is when you have sex.  Sex (you probably know this) is when a woman’s vagina is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis.

Well that’s everything I know about that sick stuff.  I’ll see you at dinner.

Dad