TIM! RACINE! INTERNET!

MEMORIAL DAY TRIVIA-QUIZ

Fri, 25 May 2012 16:21:00 -0400

Q: Memorial Day was first called “Decoration Day” because of the practice of decorating soldier’s...

MASTER OF INVENTIONS (by Joe Avella)

Fri, 04 May 2012 12:21:00 -0400

MASTER OF INVENTIONS (by Joe Avella)

martinezlizzie: We put the twee in TWEENZ! Lizzie Martinez and...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:37:10 -0400

martinezlizzie:

We put the twee in TWEENZ!

Lizzie Martinez and I do “improv” shows around New York City.

Ask me if you want me to tell you when our next show is. Or don’t.

Video

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 15:12:41 -0400

Improv Skits (The following is the text from an unsolicited...

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 10:58:00 -0400

Improv Skits

(The following is the text from an unsolicited email I received from my cousin.)

From: Greg Racine <*******@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, Jan 20, 2012 at 3:25 PM
Subject: Improv Skits
To: Tim Racine

Hey Tim,

This is your cousin Greg. Your dad gave me your email when I saw him
at Daisy’s baptism. Sorry you couldn’t be there but I guess you
probably couldn’t afford the flight. Whatever, your dad told me that
you’re still trying to do the improv skit thing. I’ve got a lot of
great ideas for that too, but I’m not going to quit my job at the
Subaru dealership and not have any money. JK.

I’ve got a bunch of improv skit ideas for you and you should do them.
They’re really funny and you should use them.

Here’s the first one you should use:

A dumb idiot comes to a car dealership looking for a car. The idiot
talks to this cool car salesman who really impresses him with how he
works out all the time. He’s got big biceps and the idiot is
intimidated that. So, the dummy says, “I want to buy a car, but I
don’t want to get ripped off.” The cool car salesman says back to the
guy that he’s not going to ripped off because all the cars are good.

Here’s another one you should use:

There’s a cool car salesman sitting in the break room and he’s talking
to an uncool car salesman. They’re both drinking coffee and talking
about cars. The car salesman that isn’t the cool one says that he
likes a car that isn’t good. The cool car salesman disagrees with
this freaking moron and says that he’s stupid for liking the car he
said he said he liked.

Here’s the third one:

A cool car salesman is talking about sports with different car
salesmen in the showroom and in walks a foreign guy (it doesn’t matter
what kind, any brown will do). This brown guy is a terrorist and he
starts shooting a gun at everyone. The other salesmen in the showroom
are killed but not the cool car salesman. The the cool car salesman
throws a Subaru at the terrorist. The brown terrorist is dead. The
cool car salesman has sex with a beautiful blonde and his wife never
finds out about it.

These improvs are really funny so you should use them and then tell
everyone that I did them first.

See you at Christmas,

Greg

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 12:24:58 -0400

Hey my name is Tim Racine also, you're a weird guy.

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:28:57 -0500

Awesome, bro.

Video

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:26:00 -0500

Photo

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 13:42:30 -0500

Video

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:02:00 -0500

Video

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:59:00 -0500

True Manliness (The following piece was presented as part of the...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:09:00 -0500

True Manliness

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series at Rhino Fest 2012 on January 14, 2012 at Prop Thtr in Chicago.)

——-

From: Tim Racine
Date: Fri, Jan 13, 1021 at 1:12 PM
Subject: The Ray’s thing
To: Chris Bower <********@gmail.com>

Hey Chris,

I sent you a video for the show. If you want to intro it that would
be great. Say something like, “This next thing is from Tim Racine.
He used to live in Chicago but last year he moved to New York. The
email presented in the video is a real email he received from his mom
a week after he moved. The subject line of the email was just,
‘Hello.’”

You can just read it verbatim i or you can say whatever you want.
It’s up to you.

Between you and me, Chris, I’m not lying this time. This is for real
an actual thing I got from her. How crazy is that?

Thanks,

Tim

holdmyhorses: True Manliness The Ray’s Tap Reading Series...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:53:09 -0500

holdmyhorses:

True Manliness

The Ray’s Tap Reading Series returns at Rhino Fest 2012

Featuring the talents of

Matt Test

Margaret Chapman

Scott Whitehair

Dave Snyder

Daniel Shapiro

Kristin Leucke

Kyle Beachy

Lindsay Hunter

Ian Belknap

Tim Racine

Chris Bower

Kristin Lueke

Natalie Edwards

Mason Johnson

and Robbie Q. Telfer.

Join us. Show is at 11 PM on January 14th at 11 PM. Prop Thtr 3502 N. Elston. All shows at Rhino or 15 bucks or pay-what-you-can

Poster by the amazing Susie Kirkwood Check out her work at susiekirkwood.com

creativedifferences: seanreidy: creativedifferences: It’s...

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 10:29:05 -0500

creativedifferences:

seanreidy:

creativedifferences:

It’s human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria, as Creative Differences deconstructs it all. Watch Creative Differences explore Miles Stroth’s improv form, “The Deconstruction.”

$5 or FREE w/ any improv student I.D.

Special Guests:
Mr. Fahrenheit (Artemis Benicasa, John Brugal, Sean Curry, Marc Davila, Jared Dymbort, Dan Gayatgay, Kiran Helferty, Jon LaPearl and Nathan Soutar)

Creative Differences is:
Michael T. Astolfi (shiny)
Michelle Ciotta (shiny, Philo’s Folly)
Andrea Kornstein (Arthur Warburton)
Tim Levine (This Week Tonight)
Sean Reidy (Seersucker, Philo’s Folly)
Mckenzie Trent (A Scandal in Bohemia)

Artwork by Tim Levine.

This is happening and you should go to it!

Just added Dicks and Stones (Lizzie Martinez, Tim Racine) to the lineup! This show just got even more awesome.

Teenager of the Year will be appearing with Harmontown (Dan...

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:36:00 -0500

Teenager of the Year will be appearing with Harmontown (Dan Harmon and Jeff Davis) at 8:00pm on January 29, 2012 at The Eureka Theater in San Francisco, CA as part of SF Sketchfest.

Video

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:22:00 -0400

Topical Humor (Jokes and Come-backs) (The following piece is...

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 13:10:00 -0400

Topical Humor (Jokes and Come-backs)

(The following piece is best presented after February 28, 2007.)

JOKES

Did you hear the one about Anna Nicole Smith when she was alive? She walked into a bar… OUCHH!!!

This might be true: Star Trek’s Dr. Bones McCoy, before performing brain surgery on Anna Nicole Smith, was heard to say, “Space. The final frontier…”

Why wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith buried at sea? Her huge breasts would have kept her floating! And a pelican might have landed on her tits.

Apparently, Anna Nicole Smith, when she was alive, tried to steal a police car because she saw “911” and thought it was a Porsche. She also thought it was the World Trade Center.

Early on in Anna Nicole Smith’s life she would often take public transportation. Once, when she missed the 66 Bus she thought that taking the 33 bus twice would get her to her destination. Though, she didn’t have to pay for the second ride because the bus driver liked the look of her huge boobs so much.

It was said that the way to make Anna Nicole Smith’s eyes twinkle was to shine a flashlight in her ear. Also, light would shine out of her gold-digging vagina.

I heard about a bear that was exactly like Anna Nicole Smith. It got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off its 2 paws, 1 of its legs, and was still stuck. But its gigantic jugs were incredible.

To amuse Anna Nicole Smith for hours, her husband, prior to death, would give her a piece of paper with ‘Please turn over’ written on each side. And she would, while he would squeeze her hooters while she was none-the-wiser.

Anna Nicole Smith was fired from a banana plantation for throwing out all the bent bananas, but also because she had three no-call/no-shows because she was dead.

COME-BACKS

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive, as was Anna Nicole Smith god rest her soul.

There is no vaccine against stupidity; because as you know, if that were true Anna Nicole Smith would not have been considered stupid for she would probably have been vaccinated.

He’s not stupid; he’s just possessed by the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith. I was having a dream the other night about having sex with the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith: A WET DREAM!

Hey, I don’t come down to where you work and show you Anna Nicole Smith’s huge knockers, get your dick all hard and slippery with lube and then slap it out of your mouth.

The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza (The...

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:51:00 -0400

The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on March 4, 2011 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine
Date: Wed, June 6, 2007 at 11:29 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine
Date: Sat, Sept 11, 2004 at 1:33 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 1998 at 11:03 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine

From: K. Racine <*******@aol.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 2, 1995 at 4:51 PM
Subject:
To: Tim Racine

Tim,

I’m sure you’ve noticed (your mother and I have) that your body is changing and you’re becoming a man. When you’re taking your baths you probably noticed extra hair and stuff. It’s part of life. It happened to me. It happens to everyone. But people don’t talk about this sick stuff. But because I’m your dad I have to. Don’t think this is something I ever did or even thought about doing. It’s sick, it’s dangerous and it’s gross.

Here we go.

Sex. If I was my dad this letter would be over right now, but it is the ‘90s so “let’s talk about sex baby.” If you didn’t know, that was a lyric to a song I heard while I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix.

Speaking of song lyrics, I’ll use that as a thing to get into this sick “sex” talk. You probably talk about it with your friends and probably in some sicko class or other at school, but you’re mother has really riding me about having “the talk” with you. Believe me, I don’t want to, I’d just a soon puke my face off as talk about it, which is why I’m writing this letter. Anyway, I thought the easiest way to do this is by using a song you like. I thought our best bet would be “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morisette from her Jagged Little Pill record.

Now, some of the lyrics in this song make me sick, but since you’re growing up I think the song has some stuff in it that “you oughta know” about.

Let’s get though this as fast as possible. At the beginning of the song Alanis says, “Would she go down on you in a theater?” To someone your age, this probably sounds confusing, but it’s slang. The slang part is “go down”. This isn’t something that has ever happened to me, thank god, but I did hear two mechanics discussing it when I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix. What I know is this, “going down” is when a woman is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis. In the case of the song, the drinking was taking place in a theatre.

Remember how when we went to see the The Net starring Sandra Bullock, Jeremy Northam, and Dennis Miller this summer there were those two teenagers, a boy and a girl, sitting a few rows in front of us and they were kissing? Well, if that girl had been Alanis, the boy could have paid her to “go down” on him “in the theatre”. Lucky for all of us, that wasn’t the case.

Since we’re on the subject of The Net, there’s some stuff you can learn from that thing. Remember at the beginning of the movie when the United States Undersecretary of Defense Michael Bergstrom, played by Ken Howard, committed suicide because he had HIV? He did the right thing. Sex gives you HIV and then you kill yourself.

The reason this all sounds so scary is because it is. Remember when Angela Bennett, played by Sandra Bullock, went down to Cozumel. Mexico and meets Jack Devlin, played by Jeremy Northam? Well, after meeting, Devlin earns the trust of Bennett which allows him to seduce her in his speedboat but really he just wants to steal her purse (the purse that contains the floppy disk with a backdoor to a commonly used computer security system called “Gatekeeper” sold by Gregg Microsystems). When she figures this out she tries to get away and her boat crashes into the rocks and leaves her knocked out in the hospital for three days. SEX ISN’T WORTH IT. (Hint, hint!)

Anyway, back to “You Oughta Know”. Later in the song, after a few choruses, Alanis says, “And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?” The sex part of this thing is the “fuck” part. “Fuck” is when you have sex. Sex (you probably know this) is when a woman’s vagina is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis.

Well that’s everything I know about that sick stuff. I’ll see you at dinner.

Dad

How to Avoid Getting Gashed, Getting Bashed Getting Smashed and...

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 15:20:00 -0500

How to Avoid Getting Gashed, Getting Bashed Getting Smashed and Having Your Dreams Dashed at Yellowstone National Park

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on June 11, 2010 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

Some people just don’t get it! The Yellowstone National Park is dangerous! People who live in cities don’t get it. Sometimes they fuck around! I get Yellowstone National Park and I get the cities! And I’m here to illuminate things to you in a way that you can understand. Here are four scenarios, please pay close attention as the details are important and relevant.

Scenario 1:

Imagine you’re a bike messenger. You just got an important message and you need to get it across town fast. Your boss said that if you get it there in 10 minutes you’d get a 10 dollar tip (if you get it there in 20 minutes: 20 dollars. 30 minutes: 30 dollars. Etc.) So you want to get this message there in a hurry. You run a red light. A car swerves out of the way to not hit you but it hits a baby carriage with two babies riding piggy back in it. The babies fly out of the carriage and into a streetlight pole. The pole breaks and falls over hitting you and your bike (as a side note it was a new bike). You die seconds later and though you don’t get your tip, when you get to hell, the devil tips you anyway (with the tip of his penis).

This is exactly what if feels like when a tree falls and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 2:

Imagine you’re a helicopter pilot. Your job is to give skyline tours. You’re the best (you know everything about the buildings). Also, you’re a good pilot, but you’re cocky (and kind of a dick about it), you converted your helicopter into a convertible. Your boss said that you would get fired if you did, but he didn’t fire you because you’re too good. But not that good… One day you put the top down in your helicopter and when you’re doing a loop-de-loop you fall out. You fall so hard on the ground that you go straight to hell. The devil catches you in one of those things that firemen catch people with (but that thing is made out of his dick).

This is exactly what if feels like when you fall to your death because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 3:

Imagine you’re a cat burglar. You just snuck into a mansion (let’s say it is a mansion that belongs to a millionaire). Being a burglar, you want that millions of dollars, or at least part of it, maybe an expensive vase or a Camaro, but that’s not really important. What is important is that you’re sneaking around in a mansion and it’s dark. You’re snooping around with a flashlight looking for something to steal (something good though, not just some sentimental bullshit, like a photo of kids or a grandma). Suddenly, the whole mansion collapses on you and you are dead. You have been crushed to death and are now in hell, talking to the devil about the bad things you’ve done (example: attempted burglary, also: breaking and entering).

This is exactly what if feels like when a cave collapses and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 4:

Imagine you’re an important business man. You don’t take shit you give it. And you’re giving it to one of your employees because he saw you “giving it” to your secretary five minutes ago. You tell him that if he tells anyone, he’s fired and if he tells your wife he’s fucking dead. He says he wants $100,000 dollars to keep quiet. Then you say, “Listen up, shit bird, the only person I’m going to give $100,000 is your doctor as payment for removing my dick from your face.” Just then United Airlines flight 175 crashes through your office window confirming the attack on the World Trade Center was indeed deliberate. Also, you’re dead now. And the devil is titty fucking your balls.

This is exactly what if feels like when you’re hit by a rock and it kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

In conclusion, the dangers of Yellowstone National Park can be avoided if an effort is made.

The WORST day of my LIFE!! (The following piece was written as...

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 15:19:00 -0500

The WORST day of my LIFE!!

(The following piece was written as part of the Bob the Dog Blog on January 28, 2010 for Waggish Apparel.)

You’re NEVER going to believe what happened to me. I’ll give you a hint: I’M SOAKING WET! Here’s hint part two: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! That’s right, “bath time.” Listen, I’m a busy guy. I’ve got balls to fetch, naps to take and dropped food to scarf! A bath is not on my top ten list of things I wanna do. Here’s that list if you were wondering:
1.       Eating
2.       Playing
3.       Sleeping
4.       Eating
5.       Playing
6.       Sleeping
7.       Eating
8.       Playing
9.       Sleeping
10.     Eating

“Taking a bath” is number 12 (oh, and number 11 is getting neutered AGAIN!).

So check this out: I’m sleeping (ol’ numero three) and I hear somebody coming. I then spring into action (‘cause this means one of two things (you know what they are (it’s time for one or two (eatin’ or playin’)))). At this point I’m psyched! I start running and I’m excited, I’m lovin’ life. As I turn the corner I hear the sound of running water (never a good sign) and (my head screams “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”) the reality of the situation I’m in has hit me. I just know I’m a goner.

What I’m going to tell you next will chill you to the bone: I was BATHED! There was soap and water everywhere. COMPLETE MADNESS!! It was scrub, scrub, scrub, rinse, scrub! I hear, “you sure are dirty, Bob” and all I can think is “NO THANKS TO YOU, BOZO!” Now I’m all wet and I look like an IDIOT! This has got to be the WORST day of my LIFE (just like the title says)… AND I NEVER EXAGGERATE!