True Manliness

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series at Rhino Fest 2012 on January 14, 2012 at Prop Thtr in Chicago.)

——-

From: Tim Racine <timoracine@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Jan 13, 1021 at 1:12 PM
Subject: The Ray’s thing
To: Chris Bower <********@gmail.com>

Hey Chris,

I sent you a video for the show.  If you want to intro it that would
be great.  Say something like, “This next thing is from Tim Racine.
He used to live in Chicago but last year he moved to New York.  The
email presented in the video is a real email he received from his mom
a week after he moved.  The subject line of the email was just,
‘Hello.’”

You can just read it verbatim i or you can say whatever you want.
It’s up to you.

Between you and me, Chris, I’m not lying this time.  This is for real
an actual thing I got from her.  How crazy is that?

Thanks,

Tim

Topical Humor (Jokes and Come-backs)

(The following piece is best presented after February 28, 2007.)

JOKES

Did you hear the one about Anna Nicole Smith when she was alive?  She walked into a bar… OUCHH!!!

This might be true:  Star Trek’s Dr. Bones McCoy, before performing brain surgery on Anna Nicole Smith, was heard to say, “Space. The final frontier…”

Why wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith buried at sea?  Her huge breasts would have kept her floating!  And a pelican might have landed on her tits.

Apparently, Anna Nicole Smith, when she was alive, tried to steal a police car because she saw “911” and thought it was a Porsche.  She also thought it was the World Trade Center.

Early on in Anna Nicole Smith’s life she would often take public transportation.  Once, when she missed the 66 Bus she thought that taking the 33 bus twice would get her to her destination.   Though, she didn’t have to pay for the second ride because the bus driver liked the look of her huge boobs so much.

It was said that the way to make Anna Nicole Smith’s eyes twinkle was to shine a flashlight in her ear.  Also, light would shine out of her gold-digging vagina.

I heard about a bear that was exactly like Anna Nicole Smith.  It got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off its 2 paws, 1 of its legs, and was still stuck.  But its gigantic jugs were incredible.

To amuse Anna Nicole Smith for hours, her husband, prior to death, would give her a piece of paper with ‘Please turn over’ written on each side.  And she would, while he would squeeze her hooters while she was none-the-wiser.

Anna Nicole Smith was fired from a banana plantation for throwing out all the bent bananas, but also because she had three no-call/no-shows because she was dead.

COME-BACKS

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive, as was Anna Nicole Smith god rest her soul.

There is no vaccine against stupidity; because as you know, if that were true Anna Nicole Smith would not have been considered stupid for she would probably have been vaccinated.

He’s not stupid; he’s just possessed by the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith.  I was having a dream the other night about having sex with the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith:  A WET DREAM!

Hey, I don’t come down to where you work and show you Anna Nicole Smith’s huge knockers, get your dick all hard and slippery with lube and then slap it out of your mouth.

The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on March 4, 2011 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <timoracine@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, June 6, 2007 at 11:29 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <timoracine@gmail.com>
 
 
————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <austinpowershornybaby3000@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, Sept 11, 2004 at 1:33 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <timoracine@yahoo.com>
 

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Tim Racine <jaggedlittleboy12@aol.com>
Date: Sat, Feb 14, 1998 at 11:03 PM
Subject: Fwd:
To: Tim Racine <austinpowershornybaby3000@hotmail.com>


From: K. Racine <*******@aol.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 2, 1995 at 4:51 PM
Subject:
To: Tim Racine <jaggedlittleboy12@aol.com>


Tim,

I’m sure you’ve noticed (your mother and I have) that your body is changing and you’re becoming a man.  When you’re taking your baths you probably noticed extra hair and stuff.  It’s part of life.  It happened to me.  It happens to everyone.  But people don’t talk about this sick stuff.  But because I’m your dad I have to.  Don’t think this is something I ever did or even thought about doing.  It’s sick, it’s dangerous and it’s gross.

Here we go.

Sex.  If I was my dad this letter would be over right now, but it is the ‘90s so “let’s talk about sex baby.”  If you didn’t know, that was a lyric to a song I heard while I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix.

Speaking of song lyrics, I’ll use that as a thing to get into this sick “sex” talk.  You probably talk about it with your friends and probably in some sicko class or other at school, but you’re mother has really riding me about having “the talk” with you.  Believe me, I don’t want to, I’d just a soon puke my face off as talk about it, which is why I’m writing this letter.  Anyway, I thought the easiest way to do this is by using a song you like.  I thought our best bet would be “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morisette from her Jagged Little Pill record.

Now, some of the lyrics in this song make me sick, but since you’re growing up I think the song has some stuff in it that “you oughta know” about.

Let’s get though this as fast as possible.  At the beginning of the song Alanis says, “Would she go down on you in a theater?”  To someone your age, this probably sounds confusing, but it’s slang.  The slang part is “go down”.  This isn’t something that has ever happened to me, thank god, but I did hear two mechanics discussing it when I was getting the oil changed in the Grand Prix.  What I know is this, “going down” is when a woman is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis.  In the case of the song, the drinking was taking place in a theatre.

Remember how when we went to see the The Net starring Sandra Bullock, Jeremy Northam, and Dennis Miller this summer there were those two teenagers, a boy and a girl, sitting a few rows in front of us and they were kissing?  Well, if that girl had been Alanis, the boy could have paid her to “go down” on him “in the theatre”.  Lucky for all of us, that wasn’t the case.

Since we’re on the subject of The Net, there’s some stuff you can learn from that thing.  Remember at the beginning of the movie when the United States Undersecretary of Defense Michael Bergstrom, played by Ken Howard, committed suicide because he had HIV?  He did the right thing.  Sex gives you HIV and then you kill yourself.

The reason this all sounds so scary is because it is.  Remember when Angela Bennett, played by Sandra Bullock, went down to Cozumel. Mexico and meets Jack Devlin, played by Jeremy Northam?  Well, after meeting, Devlin earns the trust of Bennett which allows him to seduce her in his speedboat but really he just wants to steal her purse (the purse that contains the floppy disk with a backdoor to a commonly used computer security system called “Gatekeeper” sold by Gregg Microsystems).  When she figures this out she tries to get away and her boat crashes into the rocks and leaves her knocked out in the hospital for three days.  SEX ISN’T WORTH IT.  (Hint, hint!)

Anyway, back to “You Oughta Know”.  Later in the song, after a few choruses, Alanis says, “And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?”  The sex part of this thing is the “fuck” part.  “Fuck” is when you have sex.  Sex (you probably know this) is when a woman’s vagina is forced to drink the semen from a man’s ejaculating penis.

Well that’s everything I know about that sick stuff.  I’ll see you at dinner.

Dad

How to Avoid Getting Gashed, Getting Bashed Getting Smashed and Having Your Dreams Dashed at Yellowstone National Park

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on June 11, 2010 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

Some people just don’t get it!  The Yellowstone National Park is dangerous!  People who live in cities don’t get it.  Sometimes they fuck around!  I get Yellowstone National Park and I get the cities!  And I’m here to illuminate things to you in a way that you can understand.   Here are four scenarios, please pay close attention as the details are important and relevant.

Scenario 1:

Imagine you’re a bike messenger.  You just got an important message and you need to get it across town fast.  Your boss said that if you get it there in 10 minutes you’d get a 10 dollar tip (if you get it there in 20 minutes: 20 dollars.  30 minutes: 30 dollars.  Etc.)  So you want to get this message there in a hurry.  You run a red light. A car swerves out of the way to not hit you but it hits a baby carriage with two babies riding piggy back in it.  The babies fly out of the carriage and into a streetlight pole. The pole breaks and falls over hitting you and your bike (as a side note it was a new bike).  You die seconds later and though you don’t get your tip, when you get to hell, the devil tips you anyway (with the tip of his penis).

This is exactly what if feels like when a tree falls and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 2:

Imagine you’re a helicopter pilot.  Your job is to give skyline tours.  You’re the best (you know everything about the buildings).  Also, you’re a good pilot, but you’re cocky (and kind of a dick about it), you converted your helicopter into a convertible.  Your boss said that you would get fired if you did, but he didn’t fire you because you’re too good.  But not that good… One day you put the top down in your helicopter and when you’re doing a loop-de-loop you fall out.  You fall so hard on the ground that you go straight to hell.  The devil catches you in one of those things that firemen catch people with (but that thing is made out of his dick).

This is exactly what if feels like when you fall to your death because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 3:

Imagine you’re a cat burglar.  You just snuck into a mansion (let’s say it is a mansion that belongs to a millionaire).  Being a burglar, you want that millions of dollars, or at least part of it, maybe an expensive vase or a Camaro, but that’s not really important.  What is important is that you’re sneaking around in a mansion and it’s dark.  You’re snooping around with a flashlight looking for something to steal (something good though, not just some sentimental bullshit, like a photo of kids or a grandma).  Suddenly, the whole mansion collapses on you and you are dead.  You have been crushed to death and are now in hell, talking to the devil about the bad things you’ve done (example: attempted burglary, also: breaking and entering).

This is exactly what if feels like when a cave collapses and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

Scenario 4:

Imagine you’re an important business man.  You don’t take shit you give it.  And you’re giving it to one of your employees because he saw you “giving it” to your secretary five minutes ago.  You tell him that if he tells anyone, he’s fired and if he tells your wife he’s fucking dead.  He says he wants $100,000 dollars to keep quiet.  Then you say, “Listen up, shit bird, the only person I’m going to give $100,000 is your doctor as payment for removing my dick from your face.”  Just then United Airlines flight 175 crashes through your office window confirming the attack on the World Trade Center was indeed deliberate.  Also, you’re dead now.  And the devil is titty fucking your balls.

This is exactly what if feels like when you’re hit by a rock and it kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.

In conclusion, the dangers of Yellowstone National Park can be avoided if an effort is made.

The WORST day of my LIFE!!

(The following piece was written as part of the Bob the Dog Blog on January 28, 2010 for Waggish Apparel.)

You’re NEVER going to believe what happened to me.  I’ll give you a hint:  I’M SOAKING WET!  Here’s hint part two:  IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!  That’s right, “bath time.”  Listen, I’m a busy guy.  I’ve got balls to fetch, naps to take and dropped food to scarf!  A bath is not on my top ten list of things I wanna do.  Here’s that list if you were wondering:
1.       Eating
2.       Playing
3.       Sleeping
4.       Eating
5.       Playing
6.       Sleeping
7.       Eating
8.       Playing
9.       Sleeping
10.     Eating

“Taking a bath” is number 12 (oh, and number 11 is getting neutered AGAIN!).

So check this out:  I’m sleeping (ol’ numero three) and I hear somebody coming.  I then spring into action (‘cause this means one of two things (you know what they are (it’s time for one or two (eatin’ or playin’)))).  At this point I’m psyched!  I start running and I’m excited, I’m lovin’ life.  As I turn the corner I hear the sound of running water (never a good sign) and (my head screams “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”) the reality of the situation I’m in has hit me.  I just know I’m a goner.

What I’m going to tell you next will chill you to the bone:  I was BATHED!  There was soap and water everywhere.  COMPLETE MADNESS!!  It was scrub, scrub, scrub, rinse, scrub!  I hear, “you sure are dirty, Bob” and all I can think is “NO THANKS TO YOU, BOZO!”  Now I’m all wet and I look like an IDIOT!  This has got to be the WORST day of my LIFE (just like the title says)… AND I NEVER EXAGGERATE!

The Large Hairless Cock In the Garden of Eden

(The following piece was presented as part of the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on December 11, 2009 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

From: M. Racine <************@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 2:39 PM
Subject: Re:  Garden of Eden Painting
To: Tim Racine <**********@gmail.com>


Dear Tim,

That’s a very cute picture you sent me.  I like what the artist did with all the colors he painted.  It was very nice of you to ask for my opinion.  About what you said about topics “being explored” in this painting, I don’t know exactly.  As you know I’m not a professional writer or humorist but since I know you like comedy I think I have a few jokes that you might want to use when you tell your friends about the painting.

These jokes are good for any time but you might want to start with one and pepper other ones around when you are talking.

You said that it’s supposed to be the Garden of Eden so maybe you could use an Adam and Eve joke.  I told some of these to your father and he didn’t seem to be bothered.  Here are some that I remember:

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.

Q: Why was Adam created first?
A: To give him a chance to say something.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn’t want any advice.

Q: What did God originally decide to name Eve?
A: The Nagging Machine.

Q: Why didn’t God give Adam hammers for hands?
A: He didn’t want Adam to kill Eve immediately.

The other thing I was thinking of when you said that this is in the Garden of Eden was that the History Channel says that the Garden of Eden would be where Iraq is now.  My friend Bess sent me a funny forward about the top ten TV shows in Iraq, you could use that.  Keep in mind that they’re jokes and not real shows like I thought. Here are those jokes:

Top Ten TV Shows in Iraq

1.      Husseinfeld (SEINFELD)
2.      Allah McBeal (ALLY MCBEAL)
3.      Suddenly Saddam (SUDDENLY SUSAN)
4.      Achmed’s Creek (DAWSON’S CREEK)
5.      My Mother The Camel (MY MOTHER THE CAR)
6.      Mad About Camels (MAD ABOUT YOU)
7.      Camels (CHEERS)
8.      Friends That Ride Camels (FRIENDS)
9.      Camel In The City (Caroline In The City)
10.    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in Camel Ownership Form (WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE)

I don’t want to sound gross but if you’re going to try to make what you say funny it would be really easy to talk about how the man’s penis is a big penis.  Maybe you should do a joke were you pretend that you are the man in the painting and you are talking to all of the animals about how your penis is very large.  You could say:

“Hello, Animals.  My penis is really big, in fact it is so large that: BLANK.”  (Of course you don’t say “blank,” you say the joke part of the joke.  Here are a few (I also wrote you some notes about more stuff you can say with the jokes.  Anyway, that’s just a suggestion.)  Here are a few:

“My penis is really big, in fact it is so large that:”

“A Godzilla movie was made called ‘Godzilla vs. My Penis (The Movie)’.”

“Firemen slide down it.”  (This isn’t about gays (though it could be) if you want to make a joke about gay firemen please make it about how gay sex is disgusting (everyone will laugh but also agree) (also the painting has a white tiger in it so you could make a reference to Siegfried and Roy.))

“If I sawed it in half you would be able to see how old I am by counting the rings.”  (This is a reference to the penis being like it was a tree, but as another option there is also something called a cock-ring and you could make reference to that.)

“A King Kong movie was made called ‘King Kong vs. My Penis (The Movie)’.”  (You could say that the monkey in the painting is King Kong and that the bird is one of those planes that King Kong is always trying to hit with his hands.)

“I went to a really fancy night club (maybe a strip club because we’re already talking about genitalia) and they let my penis in thinking it was a person but they didn’t let me in.”  (You could say that the penis was wearing an expensive leather jacket or wearing really cool driving gloves and you were wearing flip-flops or something un-cool, nerd glasses maybe.)

“I get worried that terrorists will fly a plane into it.”  (Just so you know the audience might not like hearing that because they may have parents that died in 9/11.  You should ask around beforehand to see if anyone knows any victims.  If there aren’t any you should make the joke because it’s really funny.  Also you could tie this line in with the Iraq stuff I told you about before.)

“It is my lawyer in my appeals case against that rape charge, and he was the rapist!”  (Although it is absurd, it makes sense because sexuality is part of a penis’ nature.)

Well that’s all of my two cents, I guess.  I really hope I was able to help.

Tell me how it goes when you get a chance, Christmas maybe…

Oh well.

Love,
Mom

Time Capsule Letter

(The following piece was presented as part of QUICKIES! on November 10, 2009 at The Innertown Pub in Chicago.)

A brief introduction to the Time Capsule Letter:

Ten years isn’t that long when you think about it.  We can probably all remember 1999 pretty clearly and we all, more or less, have a pretty accurate picture of what we were like then.  In 1999 I was a Junior in high school.  My social studies teacher, Mrs. Anderson, assigned each student in the class to write a time capsule letter.  The letter was to be addressed to ourselves and serve as a written photograph of that time in our lives.  Enough time has passed that I don’t remember what this letter says exactly but I’m sure it will reflect the me I remember; a kind, thoughtful and ultimately uncontroversial student.

—

Tim Racine
J. Anderson
Period 3
Social Studies
Time Capsule Letter
12/1/99

Dear Tim,

If you’re reading this then you’re a pussy.  

The real me is fucking dead in ten years from being hard fucking core!  And if you’re some other douche reading this, then fuck you Mrs. Anderson, I told you I didn’t put a blank piece of paper in the envelope.  Also, eat shit!

I’m only writing this because Mrs. Anderson is a total bitch and says that she’ll flunk me if I don’t write it.  But guess what?  I don’t give a shit.  School sucks and I’m major hardcore.  Fuck everything in the throat. 

Since this is the future you probably know me as Tim Racine the Master of Kicking Ass and Being Totally Badass. 

Right now I’m 17 years old and I rule but I still kick major ass.

There are three things I kick the most ass at: 

1) Doing drugs.
2) Eating chicks out.
3) Ska.

The way I do drugs makes you look like you’re stupid because I’m so good at doing them.  Cocaine, I’m the greatest at it. Heroin, don’t even try to come at me when I’m doing the heroin because you will get STOMPED, homey.  Marijuana, mescaline and PCP are all easy and acid is also easy and I never OD even though I take so much of all of the drugs all of thetime.

Another thing I’m totally the bomb at doing is eating chicks out.  I’m super popular at school because everyone knows how awesome I am at eating all of the chicks out all of the time.  I don’t have (or WANT!) a girlfriend because I don’t need one with all the action I get all time.  All the dumb jocks are jealous and hate me because I totally DESTROY their girlfriends with my eating out ability.  Also, if there’s a chick reading this I have a math problem for you: My mouth plus your privates equals eating you out.

Probably the best thing I’m great at is ska.  All the ska guys say I’m the best at ska dancing there is.  I’m even in so many ska groups you will be so jealous of me.  I’m in:

Skapocalypse Now

Skamerican Pie

Hugo Skavez

The Alan Skarsons Project

The Skalan Skarsons Project

Moskammad Skali

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Ska

Skamerican Airlines

The People’s Skapublic of Skachina

Skalt Lake City, Utah

Skatendo Power Magazine

Coup de Ska

The Unaskamber

Skally Golightly

Monica Lewinska

Monica Skalinsky

Skanica Lewinsky

Skabortion Clinic

Skaddam Hussein

and

America Skanline.

In conclusion, I am totally awesome and hardcore because I do drugs, eat chicks out and do ska.  So fuck you posers.

Tim Racine

Fuck Storms

(The following definitions were written as part of the reference material for the Ray’s Tap Reading Series on April 3, 2009 at Ray’s Tap in Chicago.)

Sticky Rain

The most literal explanation for Sticky Rain is that it is the precipitate of evaporated candy.  This phenomena was first observed in the early 1980s.  As modern candy (e.g. the Whatchamacallit) evaporates it becomes part of the rain cycle, eventually falling from the sky as sweet, sticky liquid precipitate.  At the turn of the 20th century it was considered to be a child’s blessing to be caught in a Sticky Rain storm (at the time it was merely fiction).  Grandfathers would sit their grandchildren in a semicircle and would regale them with promises of Sticky Rain pouring upon them.  Many of these children would have their wish perversely granted as they would be caught in the fire bombing of Dresden during World War II (sticky rain is slang for napalm).

Apple Snow

Apple Snow is when it snows apples.  The apples are generally covered in snow because it is winter time.  The apples are always Granny Smith apples.  When the Apple Snow hits the ground the apple turns to regular snow.  Scientist have no reasoning behind the occurrence of Apple Snow or why the apple disappears when the apple hits the ground.  The founding fathers wrote a lengthy segment in the first draft of the Declaration of Independence comparing the unjust treatment of the colonies to the effect Apple Snow had on the first Thanksgiving (The effect was very bad.  It made turkeys nearly impossible to catch and literally impossible to kill.  The phrase, “Be us damned by Apple Snow, these turkeys garner feathers metallic” was coined in reference to the event.  The segment was removed from the Declaration by Thomas Jefferson only so he could include it in the Jefferson Bible (The pages were removed from the original copy of the bible and are on display at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in Gatlinburg, Tennessee).

Indifferent Rain

Indifferent Rain is a misnomer because, in fact, it is the only rain that cares at all.  Indifferent rain generally begins as a soft drizzle, but it increases steadily becoming almost torrential over the course of a storm.  The reason for this occurrence is that the rain, itself, is crying, causing more rain.  Often occurring during the the 9th innings of tied Little League Championship game or walks home from the divorce lawyer’s office, Indifferent Rain feels the pain of those being rained on, often soaking the recipients of its sympathy to “the bone.”  It is called Indifferent Rain because it has a cold demeanor and is always afraid to show its true feelings.  When asked why it is crying, Indifferent Rain will usually respond, “I have something in my eye” or “I was thinking of this dog I used to own that I had run over by a car.”  There has been a movement in the meteorological community, recently, to re-categorize the phenomenon as “Sensitive Rain.”

(The blog entries contained herein were written as part of a personal project between September 7, 2007 and November 13, 2007.)